lonely woman standing on rocky coast

How To Be Content In Singleness

While single, you will experience all types of pressure, internal and external: people around you will be inviting themselves to your wedding while you’re not even dating; your parents will be asking when they will see their grandchildren; all your friends will be requesting you to be their bridesmaid; you will notice all the cute couples on social media; others will remind you that your clock is ticking, etc.

Then there are the unwanted memories of past relationships haunting you. You thought you’d be in a serious relationship by now; instead, you see your ex getting married while you’re still navigating the ocean of singlehood.

First Thing First: Forgive Yourself

Whether you like it or not, you will meet some individuals who operate with an all-is-fair-in-love-and-war mentality. Others won’t always apply the golden rule when you open your heart to them. Those people will use you, abuse you, and stomp on your heart.

When that happens, some tend to blame themselves. You think you allow them to hurt you. As hard as it is to forgive others, sometimes, it’s even harder to forgive yourself. However, this is crucial to being content—forgive the assailant who stares back at you when you look in the mirror.

Stop beating yourself up!

Yes, you may have let your guard down, but their intentions weren’t pure. They deceived you. It is not your fault! If you don’t forgive yourself, you’ll be bitter and resentful. You can’t be content and bitter at the same time. In 1 John 3:20, he tells us that even if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts.

Accept God’s grace to forgive yourself.

Forgiving others will take a heavy load off of your shoulder; forgiving yourself will break the shackles that bound you.

After releasing blame, shame, resentment, and bitterness, you will no longer presume that everyone you meet is a liar, manipulator, and cheater. You will realize that there are still godly singles out there. You’ll then see yourself worthy and deserving of receiving God’s best for you.

Face Your Past but Don’t Dwell There

When you go through heartbreak, you may experience a state of denial. It is natural. Denial is a stage in the grief process. It’s ok if you don’t feel like talking about the tragedy for a while; you need time to process what happened. As in any stage or state, denial should be temporary; you are not meant to remain there. However, when some people face unpleasant circumstances, they tend to ignore the issue and get stuck in the denial stage. They think a covered wound is a healed wound. This is a dangerous place to stay!

Why is it necessary to face your past?

Whether you like it or not, your experiences shape you consciously and unconsciously. To avoid reliving unwanted occurrences, people file them in the back of their minds. When those files remain there, they are never fully processed. Though unprocessed, they are still in your subconscious mind, influencing you. As a result, you can repeat the same cycles or patterns and either find yourself in the same destructive situations, or you’ll pass your hurt onto others.

When pain isn’t dealt with appropriately and healthily, it may be expressed into other psychological and psychosocial issues such as depression, anxiety, self-destructive tendencies, etc. Then you may find yourself fighting to cure the symptoms, but until you get to the root of the disease, the symptoms will keep coming back.

You’ve heard the saying “hurt people hurt people?” If you don’t face your past and be healed, you will project your hurt to others.

Assess past hurtful situations, learn from them so you can apply the wisdom you acquire to make better decisions. You may start by talking about the situation, either with someone you trust or a professional if needed. That will help you process the occurrence and get the proper perspective. Address the issue with the person who hurt you if possible and pray for the strength to forgive him/her.

Just like it’s detrimental to ignore the past, it’s unhealthy to remain there. Some people tend to blame everything on the unfortunate things that happened to them. However, after addressing the past and learn from it, move on. Seek ways to use those lessons to your advantage and to grow. If you dwell in the past, you’ll assume the role of a victim. Instead, position yourself as a survivor, an overcomer. Whether you were abused, abandoned, and rejected as a child or as an adult, whether you were betrayed or cheated on, no matter what your past looks like, you need to face it if you want to be healed.

Get Rid of the Weight

In your singleness, God will definitely get rid of certain things and people while he’s preparing you. Hebrews 12 verse 1 says to remove the weight and sin that easily entangle us. Some things and individuals are not sins, but they are weight. Ask yourself, “What is this person contributing to my life?”

I am not saying for you to base your connection solely on what others can do for you. On the contrary, this is a characteristic of a weight. The Bible says iron sharpens iron. So, it should be a mutually beneficial relationship, whether the person inspires or encourages you in their way of living, without opening their mouths or they empower you and actively contribute to your life.

This principle also applies to a romantic relationship. If he is not serious, don’t entertain him! If all she wants is a “situationship,” don’t hold on to her.

Get rid of them!

Some objects or people will only hinder what God is willing to do in your life, so he will get rid of them. That may not be the way you’d hope he’d answer your prayer, but he’s sovereign and knows best. Your singleness may just be a moment to focus on and sharpen yourself, your dreams, and the promises God has for you and exercise your unique gift.

Sometimes, God needs you in an isolated place, free of distraction.

Don’t go and add these weights back! You can still get to where God is taking you, but you’ll only make your process a lot harder, longer, and more painful.

Don’t Be Complacent

Be careful not to misconstrue resentment for contentment.

Don’t be contemptuous to those who show interest in you just because you don’t feel the same way. No matter how content you are in your singleness, you have to value people.

You need to be sure that you don’t become resentful toward those who approach you. If your goal is to get married, you shouldn’t become complacent in this season of your life. Should you be content? Absolutely! Not complacent.

Complacency leaves no room for a man to fit in the picture later. You shouldn’t have a me-myself-and-I, no-time-for-a-man mentality.

In the article, Laws of Success: Honour, the preacher and life coach Emmanuel Makandiwa states, “What you honor, you attract, what you despise, you repel. Everything that you despise will be kept far away from you. If it is knowledge, it will be kept far away from you, if you despise marriage, it will be kept far away from you.”

Yes, God will send his best your way, but it’ll require your participation, and the mindset you have while single plays a significant role.

Now, the choice is yours; will you honor what you truly desire, or will you repel it?

Contently Yours,

Anaelle

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